A conversation with my scale

This morning I stepped on the scale and it went something like this:

Me: What? The same as yesterday?
Scale: You're not supposed to weigh yourself every day. And what did you think would happen -- you'd drop 5 pounds overnight?
Me: I don't know. I did have a salad for lunch yesterday.
Scale: Yeah, but you also had an oatmeal raisin cookie.
Me: How did YOU know about that??
Scale: I know everything.
Me: OK, wait, but what about dinner? I had a really healthy dinner. Fresh veggies, brown rice and grilled chicken. No oil! No butter! Just good healthy food. And I took the dog on a long walk!
Scale: Right, but then you went and had beer and crackers with your in-laws. And don't forget about the homemade crab cakes the other night. Looks like they didn't forget about you.
Me: Oh, you're so right.
Scale: I'm always right.
Me: What am I going to do? I can't seem to make any progress.
Scale: Maybe you should cut back on the crab cakes. No more beer. More exercise. I mean, what, did you think this would be easy?
Me: I hate you.

This weekend, I'm buying a new scale. And this time, I'm getting a girl. She'll say things like "Oh, looks like you didn't lose any weight, but those jeans look great on you. And how cute are your new shoes!"

I think I love her already.